The word Honeymoon typically brings bright smiles, gleeful giggles, and love-struck eyes to mind. However, when this is a honeymoon with lots and lots and lots of baggage...er, I mean luggage....it can turn into Honey gloom.
The second marriage, a blend of families, and a LOT of baggage. It's not your typical honeymoon scenario. First marriages are challenging enough, with their share of childhood scars and emotional issues. But when you add the weight of 'Been There, Done That, Got the T-shirt,' things can get much heavier.
Many people are stuck in the past and react to conflict, words, and tones almost on autopilot after living in situations for many years. Knee-jerk reactions can start inflicting unintentional wounds and scars on your new love. "It is vital to communicate as much as possible before you say, I do."... this is one of the golden pieces of advice we all receive, but how much communicating, are you doing with those rose-colored glasses in place and words of poetry dripping from your lips?
The truth is that pre-marital counseling is great, and yes, please do it! Try to cover the basics and discuss as much as possible before marriage, but I can guarantee you will be a lot more forgiving and bending of boundaries when you hear things pre-marriage, than after. These are the facts, folks.
After marriage, the reality sets in. The rose-colored glasses are put neatly away, words of poetry are all said and forgotten, day-to-day life begins, and the conflict starts. First marriages may get a breather, maybe some time off work, no kids, and days and time spent just for each other. The honeymoon "phase," as it is called, may last longer. Sadly, for blended families, it can be as early as the car ride from the ceremony, and you can forget having a "phase." But being aware of these dynamics can help you prepare and navigate them better.
Picture this: You are exiting the ceremony hand in hand, looking forward to a bright future together, and his cell phone starts ringing. It's the ex. Surely, he would ignore it, but no, he answers. Seriously? Right now, she calls? And it may have even been on purpose, which is bad enough, but he chose to answer!
As painful as this may be, and I can tell you I would not have taken it well at the beginning of my second marriage, this may be one of those knee-jerk reactions mentioned. As you yell at him in the car, he apologizes and gets defensive. It was an old instinct, he says. I never know if it is about my kids and emergent; it had nothing to do with trying to hurt you.
Do you see where this is going? I know I know... first marriages can get off to a rocky start as well..." What? You forgot to buy the snacks I wanted for the car ride?" doesn't seem as serious as you already being in doubt if his love for his ex is gone. (If forgetting snacks makes you doubt love, you require more help than can be found here).
Keys to making it work. Take a deep breath, and if needed or feasible, get some space. Write down why you are upset and how it made you feel. Sometimes we have our own baggage that is causing the problem, and it may not even be something the other person did. I have found in these writing sessions some of my issues contributing to the conflict. This self-awareness and personal growth can empower you to take control of the situation and contribute positively to the relationship. Pray about it, season everything with prayer! Ask your spouse to sit down and discuss with you what happened, how it made you feel. Come to the table with facts about what you need moving forward and what each of you can do to prevent this from happening again. Bring solutions, not blame. Make sure that you are still not in "punishment" mode. Maybe I am just speaking to myself here, but sometimes it takes me a bit to get out of that punishment mindset. We want people to hurt and to know they hurt us. We want to show them "how it feels". The truth is we can't. No matter what we do, we can't show someone else exactly how we feel. Even if we do the exact thing same to someone, they will not feel exactly the same. The truth is everyone handles things differently due to their life experiences. So, make sure you have moved past feeling someone owes you something and wanting to punish them before you have a discussion. The communication will go nowhere if you are both playing the blame game and trying to punish.
If you are struggling with a second marriage or blended family and would like prayer or to ask more questions, please leave a comment.
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